My 31 yr. old son and I are very close. About 30 feet to be exact. He sleeps in the next room. I know that may seem unusual, but it doesn’t bother us one bit. For me, I get to spend the night with my wife and then wake up and hang out with my best buddy all in the same house. Cara and I can be discussing finances then I can swivel my head to talk baseball with Roy. Plus, we know what he’s up to and we enjoy his company. It’s a win-win-win.
There are several reasons why Roy chooses to stay with us. The most compelling I believe is that he genuinely likes us. We three have been through a lot together.
In pre-school his teacher noticed he wasn’t socializing much. This continued into grade school. He had a small number of friends but never a gang that hung out together. He preferred computer games to physical activity. Large groups were intimidating. As a high school freshman, he got into a physical altercation with another student during P.E. The school “safety advocate”, a position created as a result of the Columbine High School shooting, demanded he be evaluated at the county psychiatric facility. This was the new countywide protocol whenever there was a violent incident at a school.
Two different psychiatrists at the San Mateo County Hospital determined that he was not a danger to anyone. They did suggest he undergo a psycho-educational evaluation. Luckily for us, our HMO was equipped to administer and evaluate the proper tests.
The results were the first step of a long journey. The psychologist explained that Roy was exhibiting the characteristics of mild Asperger’s Syndrome. We’d never heard of it. We had questions: Will he be able to hold a job, drive, live independently, etc.? We ravenously consumed information about the condition:
In 1944, Austrian pediatrician Hans Asperger described four strikingly similar young patients. They had normal to high intelligence but lacked social skills and had extremely narrow interests. He observed remarkable focus and persistence, an aptitude for recognizing patterns, and an attention to detail. In 1981 British psychiatrist Lorna Wing published a series of similar case studies. In it, she coined the term “Asperger’s syndrome.”
Behaviors that most of us develop on our own, such as the give and take of conversation, calling tech support, or shopping for clothes must be learned. You might be talking to an “Aspie” and notice them talking too loudly or standing too close. Roy would usually enter a conversation and try to commandeer it toward a subject he was familiar with so he could recount a story he’s told before. He was more confident doing that than listening and reacting to something new. Learning about Asperger’s made me think about elementary school when Roy would try to make friends, only to be shunned because he didn’t have the skills to properly converse.
Cara and I were relieved to discover what made our kid different. We found an after-school program at an organization named The Center for Social Thinking. Psychology professionals would discuss social situations such as purchasing a bottle of juice from a 7-11 or ordering lunch at restaurant. These were actions they discussed, rehearsed, and executed. The proper tone in conversation and reacting to statements made, rather than repeating prepared scripts from prior conversations. This intervention helped him gradually integrate and socialize more successfully.
A brief stint at junior college proved frustrating. He dropped out and went to work. An excellent driver, he worked quite a few delivery jobs. He listed with an employment agency where he found his computer skills paid off. He was able to focus intensely and had become a lightning-fast typist. An educational streaming service that transfers materials from analog to digital hired him as content editor. His skill at learning new platforms and problem solving helped him acquire a permanent position accompanied by a healthy salary with benefits. He has been with them for several years now. It’s satisfying to hear about his friendships with co-workers.
There was a short time, after dropping out of JC, when he moved into a household of three fellow Aspies and one girl who was bi-polar. He found that to be unsustainable as no one ever did the dishes. Cara and I did a thorough cleaning of the kitchen and bedroom but within two weeks it was all a mess again. He amicably parted ways and came back home, where the food was better, and the rent was cheaper.
Now, after shelling out for room and board, he socks away money with the help of our financial planner. He loves to travel and routinely will fly off to different cities during baseball season to visit a new ballpark. He has a wide taste of music, attending at least one concert a week and has a sustaining membership at the Roxie, San Francisco’s lone remaining independent movie theatre. He has become socially fearless.
All these activities are most often done solo. Cara or I will sometimes tag along if he insists there’s an artist or film he thinks we might enjoy. He’s exposed me to many contemporary musicians while I’ve helped him appreciate jazz. He has a discerning taste in stand-up comedy. He knows a hack when he sees one. I’m grateful for that.
Cara and I like our roommate. He’s no trouble at all. His room is always messy but at least he showers and does his laundry. We would miss him should he move out, but we would understand. If he never does, that would be fine, too. There is no mold in which he should fit. He is great the way he is. Plus, it’s enormously satisfying to hear him say “Love ya” whenever he leaves the house.
Love you too, bud.
About a Boy
Quite a lovely little family you have, Dan! It's a pleasure to know all of you.
What a beautiful entry and you both have raised a remarkable young man. Roy is very lucky to have you both and his biggest cheerleaders. Thank you for sharing your story with us.