I flew all night from San Francisco to Miami to Grand Cayman to meet the Ruby Princess. Bleary-eyed, I boarded the ship around 1pm only to find out I had a sound check at 5pm for a 10:30pm show. I then discovered I had three shows the next night at 6:30, 8 and 10, preceded by acting as a judge in Princess’ version of the popular singing competition, The Voice, at 4pm that afternoon.
This seems to be the new dynamic for comedy on Princess Cruise Lines. Instead of two different 45-minute shows presented days apart, I now perform two different 30-minute shows – three identical clean shows one night and a late night “adult” show on the other. Instead of enjoying a leisurely 7-day cruise, I travel in on a red-eye for a surgical strike. I’m on board two days and flown back home before I can say, “Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.”
I’m not complaining. I still get paid for a week. In fact, it is now possible to finish one ship and then board another within six days. I can make two weeks' pay in a week. I only wish I were a little younger than 72. It’s more wear and tear on what’s already worn and torn.
I’m guessing that there are a number of things at play now with Princess. They are offering more entertainment than ever before. Instead of one comedian, the passengers can now enjoy three comedians over a typical 7-day cruise. They have converted one of their lounges into a comedy club. That frees up the theatre for more large cast production shows and guest entertainers (singers, musicians, jugglers, magicians, et.al.) Their research must show that other cruise lines offer a wider variety of entertainment and that’s become a factor when passengers choose which line to book.
My only concern was the “adult show”. I have been keeping it clean for so long that working blue makes me feel like Mr. Hyde. It turns out they just want a little spice, no graphic scenarios, no constant profanity. I explained to the audience that I am not a dirty comic, but because I enjoy working for Princess so much, I would endeavor to be as filthy as I possible. I sprinkled a couple of “shits”, an “asshole” and a “fuck you” at appropriate moments during the half-hour set. The crowd was titillated.
The unexpected fun was judging on The Voice. I am encouraged to goof off. Once I was introduced, I explained to the audience that there had been a terrible mistake: “I’m a comedian. I thought I was going to be on “The Joke”. I’m not qualified to be judging a singing competition, although I know raspy when I hear it.” One of the other judges was a guest entertainer, a very good singer. The other was a gal from administration. She was picked because she had absolutely no stage fright and spoke with a charming, sexy Italian accent.
We sat in exact replicas of the chairs they use on the show. This is the procedure: A contestant takes the stage while we three judges sit with our backs to them. Once they began singing, we have to determine if they’re good enough to be on our team. If so, we bop a big button attached to our chair which automatically rotates and exposes us to the contestant. After you select a singer to be on your team, you are interviewed by the host, in this case the cruise director, to explain why you chose them.
I selected the third contestant, not because she was outstanding, but the two preceding contestants had given their judges big hugs. I confessed that I didn’t want to miss out. One contestant sang “After the Lovin’”, an Englebert Humperdinck song. I explained to the audience that it’s much more appropriate to sing after the lovin’ because during the lovin’ would be a big distraction. It could, in fact, stop the lovin’ altogether. I joked about one singer who sounded like Willie Nelson, “After hitting my button, I expected to see someone in pigtails smoking a joint.”
The result of my appearance on “The Voice” was high attendance figures for my three shows that night. During my first show I called out the winner, who had come to the show with her entourage. She was an Asian gal from Toronto who sang “My Heart Will Go On” from the movie, Titanic. No easy feat. She handled the key change admirably and deserved the win. She regaled in her new celebrity, joking that she’d brought her new agent and manager with her to the show.
One of the runners-up showed up for my second show. He came up to chat before I went on. I mentioned that all the assistant cruise directors were busy hosting other events, so there would be no one to introduce me. Well, Norbie, which I assume is short for Norbert, immediately volunteered. He was apparently bitten hard by the showbiz bug and relished getting back in front of the crowd. He fearlessly executed my intro.
I may grow to like this new format. It may also depend on where I’m going. I just boarded the Regal Princess here in Cozumel. It’s been a logistical nightmare. No one waiting for me at the airport, calls to my agent, crowded and long drive to a substandard hotel, long wait for transfer to the ship today, plenty of miscommunication and anxiety. Not a fan of Mexico right now. But it’s just part of this business called show. Arriba!
All's well that ends well